Money Smarts Blog

Question: My wife and I struggle to talk about money without fighting. And because we know those conversations are likely to end in a fight, we often just avoid the topic, which means that small issues build up until they become big problems. I want to make an effort to stop money fights before they start… but how?

Answer:

First, know that you’re not alone. Many couples find it challenging to discuss money without letting emotions get in the way. But avoiding the topic only gives financial issues more space and power to grow and disrupt your relationship. The good news is that with a little effort, you can break the cycle and create a healthier dynamic around money conversations.

Start with wants, wishes and goals

Start by individually writing down your financial priorities. Include areas that are causing stress — like debt, savings goals, or big upcoming expenses — and think about what matters most to you. Writing things down helps to cement what you’re thinking, and (quite literally) helps you and your partner to get on the same page.

Once you both have your lists jotted down, compare them. Where are you aligned? Where do you not see eye-to-eye? Take a minute to celebrate the areas where you’re both in agreement, and look for ways to approach your differences as teammates, rather than adversaries. Because here’s the thing: even though you historically haven’t liked talking about money, you absolutely have to do it if you want to get out ahead of arguments moving forward.

Calendars are key

Start by setting aside a specific time to talk about money. Treat it like an important appointment — schedule it on your calendar and stick to it. Grab a bottle of wine or your favorite treat, and make it fun. Even just 30 minutes every month is a great place to start. You’ll both need to commit to staying in the room and not walking out, even if the conversation gets tense, and commit to speaking respectfully and taking turns sharing your thoughts.

Once you’re in the room together (or the car — cars work for money talks, too), don’t try to tackle every financial issue at once. For example, your first meeting might focus on budgeting, while another can address debt or savings goals. Staying focused on one topic at a time helps keep emotions in check and makes progress feel achievable.

Work your way down your list

Wherever you choose to start, you and your partner will want to get the following in place to ensure you build a financial plan that reflects both partners’ priorities:

• A realistic budget that covers your monthly necessities
• Shared goals for where you want to be in 5, 10, or even 40 years from now
• A plan for other financial essentials including emergency fund contributions, retirement accounts, and debt repayment

If you aren’t used to having a financial plan, this may seem like a lot at first, but practice makes perfect. With tools like a shared spreadsheet or budgeting apps, it’s easier than you think to keep tabs on your spending and savings. The more visibility you both have into your household financial picture, the more likely it is that you’ll reduce surprises and misunderstandings with your money, and poof! like magic, you may find that your fights disappear.

That doesn’t mean, of course, that you’re going to want exactly what your partner wants — or vice versa.  So, whenever you and your partner sit down for a money talk, remember that compromise is key.  Neither of you is going to get everything you want, but it’s totally possible to create a financial plan where “everyone wins” — that reflects both of your needs and values. And remember that “I hear you” are three simple but transformative words. They help you and your partner feel understood and get you in the right mindset to create strategies for moving forward together.